Hi Everyone! Wow, what a week! Besides, work and two graduations this week (one Tuesday night and one Friday night), I just found out a friend of mine (39 years old) has been diagnosed with breast cancer. I was with her frmot he minute I got home from work last night trying to help her adjust to her life altering diagnosis and trying to help her overcome the enornous grief that occurs when you look at your children and question "what if". As a survivor myself - diagnosed at 38 (10 years now!) it got me to thinking about how we (men and women) deal with "stuff". While I was there for HOURS, my husband came with me to their home - met with her husband (who was cutting the grass) and within 15 minutes had headed back home. When I got back very late last night - I asked him if he had a chance to talk to Rick about what was going on and if he shared any insights from when we went through this. His reply - even after this course - still astounded me. He said, "Yeah, I told him that it's going to be a year of hell but I'm sure everthing will work out fine." ... and what was Rick's (the husband) response? Something along the lines of ...yea, for sure. (my husband couldn't remember his exact response) I asked if he offered any advice, he said no ... he thought if Rick needed to know anything he'll ask.
Now, I know from when I was diagnosed and the following surgeries and chemotherapy and side effects, as well as the emotional aspect of having small children that need their continued attention, my husband has many important tidbits of advice he could offer Rick, our situations are extremely similar. Why does society, even in extreme circumstances restrict the conversations men can have? Why isn't OK for my husband to tell Rick that it's normal to be terrified? Why can't he let him know that as a loving and supportive husband can go to the chemo appointments and hold Barb's hand while she gets her hour plus long treatment? Why with all the helpful information my husband knows about this very difficult subject isn't it OK for him to offer unsolicited advice. It's not like Rick is going to come over and ask - so it's the rock and the hard place scenario - Rick won't ask and my husband won't offer. It's really sad.
In the meantime, I sat with Barb as she sobbed worrying about so many things - so many things that weren't about her - that she won't see her children graduate from high school let alone college or get married and have babies. She's embarrassed that she's going to be bald (I was too initially), she's afraid of her body being disfigured by a mastectomy and why would her husband ever want any intimacy after the surgery. We talked about so many things. I held her hand and we both cried. I offered to cook and deliver her meals, to take her to doctors appointments, and promised her I would support her through this. It was a warm and compassionate exchange as I tried to and will continue to try to help her get through this period in her life.
But ... who will help her husband if our society doesn't allow them to reach out to other guys (with similar experiences) for help. He'll end up making the same mistakes my husband made that could make Barb's life so much easier - she's got enough on her plate right now than for me to tell her how to tell him how to help her (get that?) - why do I feel it's my job now to go over and have a talk with Rick? I guess my frustration is...why do I have to do this - I can't relate to a guy's perspective, I don't know what he's worry about - it's not like he's going to "share" his feelings with me! We all know how this conversation will go... "How you doin with all this Rick?" "OK I guess" "well, she's going to need a lot of support,- let me know if you she or the kids need anything and you know I'm there". "Yeah, I know, thanks" ......
Maybe I'm just angry at the fates for giving this dreaded disease to my young friend. Maybe I'm just sick and tired of being female and having to feel the weight of the world on my shoulders and feel like I have to "fix" everything to make it harmoneous. Why can't society let the guys help out? let go of that male pride or emotional isolation or whatever you want to call it - enough is enough already - AAAHHH!
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Peace Be Still!!
ReplyDeleteThis is why women were created from the back bone of men because men truly need our support, understanding, and darn sure our compassion. We are the pillar of strength that make s life easier for them, for nothing is perfect, but we seem to have a way of making things workout.
Congrats 10 Year Survivor! I hope all works out for your friend and her family and I know when it comes down to it that your husband and Rich will begin speaking on the fears that they didn't wish to discuss. We all digest things differently and maybe that's exactly what's going on here.. But everything will work itself out in due time. Believe it or not the first step began when your husband went over with you to their home and that say's a lot.
God Bless and Thanks for Sharing...
What a powerful, hearwrenching post this week. Men and women have different styles of communicating, (check at my interpersonal classs this fall!)We aren't necessarily programmed this way, more through socialization of the genders. It is a difficult topic for anyone so imagine how difficult for a man whom loves his wife and has no real experience living in a woman's shoes and dealing with this horrible disease...I like the questions that you bring up in your post and how you are illustrating to everyone how your perceptions are changing and the new ways that you are recognizing gendered moments.
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