Dawn M said...
Hi Ashley!I'd like to think the old views of what is a "real man" are changing. So many women are single moms (I was for 6 years a very long time ago)...that when I was raising my son alone (his father had nothing to do with him - his choice/his loss by the way!) - I wanted him to understand and appreciate things. I did everything I could to raise my son to honor respect, privacy, opinions, lots of things. I promised myself that when he eventually got married my daughter-in-law would thank me for how I raised him. I did a pretty good job, if I do say so myself. I met and married my husband who reinforced values I had taught him... the value of hard work, earning a paycheck, saving for the future, loving and taking care of family. He is an amazing man, loves family, works hard, serves his country (he is career-minded in the Air Force). To me he is a "real man", a role model that I know he will pass along to his own children someday.
I think maybe your pastor is looking at a very old fashioned viewpoint, I would argue that a good moral character, ability and willingness to accept responsibility, respect for others and a love of family are what dictate a "real man" AND a "real woman".
The 'real men' she is referring are the ones that have left so many single women raising children alone - and in poverty a lot of times. They are nothing to be emulated! She is only further perpetuating gender stereotypes - give her your text to read - or suggest she take a gender class! :-)
June 24, 2010 10:14 PM
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Week 6 HHMMM....maybe perception is they key
Well, I was in the doctor's office today waiting for my daughter to be finished with her appointment. The office had on HGTV and the show was about a closet and wardrobe makeover. Initially I sat there an watched it with skeptical eyes - a male designer was telling a woman how she should dress ...she recently lost 40 pounds and was still dressing in frumpy clothing. Like I said, initially I thought...hmmm...here he goes - HE is telling HER what to wear. Then I watched the show a little more intently...he wasn't telling her what she should wear, he was suggesting clothing that suited her body and age and actually was empowering her. When she perceived she looked good, she stood taller, smiled more and had more confidence. A transformation because of perception.
The next show (I was waiting a long time) was about how to stage you house for sale. Placing things more appropriately, using or not using color and decorations, etc. I watched that more intently because it was a woman designer helping women stage their homes for sale. What I saw in that show was that the women were doing the work - fixing, painting, rearranging, etc. There only was a man in the show when they needed to call in an electrician. Again, the women wanting to sell their homes became more aware of what needed to be done and that they, themselves, were capable of making those repairs and presenting their homes in a condition that people would want to buy. Again, perception changed their attitudes and that lead them to take charge of their future - and sell their homes.
Since that was this morning and I had a long drive down to work, I began to think about perception and how it can be used advantageously. I remembered the book I read called The Present (AMAZING BOOK!). It talks about living in the present, learning from the past and not making the same mistakes, and taking charge of your future. The shows I had been watching were doing just that - looking at what needed to be done right now, learning what went wrong in the past (overeating or neglect of repairs, etc.) and overcoming them (losing weight or fixing a windowsill), and creating their future (feeling empowered).
How wonderful would it be if we could look at differences (gender, cultural, etc.) and see the positives that are occurring right now, learn from the negatives of how we've let stereotypes and old fashioned ideas linger, and take positive steps (even small ones) towards creating a better future for all individuals - no strings attached. If each person in our class takes that attitude, and imparts that to 5 friends, who does the same thing, and so on....think of the change our 15 students can make in such a short amount of time!!!!! And all it takes is for each of us to make an effort to impart what we've learned already...it doesn't get much easier than this!
Thanks for an amazing class!
Dawn
The next show (I was waiting a long time) was about how to stage you house for sale. Placing things more appropriately, using or not using color and decorations, etc. I watched that more intently because it was a woman designer helping women stage their homes for sale. What I saw in that show was that the women were doing the work - fixing, painting, rearranging, etc. There only was a man in the show when they needed to call in an electrician. Again, the women wanting to sell their homes became more aware of what needed to be done and that they, themselves, were capable of making those repairs and presenting their homes in a condition that people would want to buy. Again, perception changed their attitudes and that lead them to take charge of their future - and sell their homes.
Since that was this morning and I had a long drive down to work, I began to think about perception and how it can be used advantageously. I remembered the book I read called The Present (AMAZING BOOK!). It talks about living in the present, learning from the past and not making the same mistakes, and taking charge of your future. The shows I had been watching were doing just that - looking at what needed to be done right now, learning what went wrong in the past (overeating or neglect of repairs, etc.) and overcoming them (losing weight or fixing a windowsill), and creating their future (feeling empowered).
How wonderful would it be if we could look at differences (gender, cultural, etc.) and see the positives that are occurring right now, learn from the negatives of how we've let stereotypes and old fashioned ideas linger, and take positive steps (even small ones) towards creating a better future for all individuals - no strings attached. If each person in our class takes that attitude, and imparts that to 5 friends, who does the same thing, and so on....think of the change our 15 students can make in such a short amount of time!!!!! And all it takes is for each of us to make an effort to impart what we've learned already...it doesn't get much easier than this!
Thanks for an amazing class!
Dawn
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Response to Nick Week 5
Hi Nick!
Couldn't agree more - if she had completed her attempt - she would have had a small article on page 4 or something...nothing like the media frenzy that is occurring now. Didn't her brother attempt this as well? The last article I read did mention several other teens who were successful in their attempts - did everyone but me hear about those young men and women? I doubt it...there was nothing to sensationalize by the media. Good news is boring news I guess. With the NBA finals on and the World Cup - I doubt anyone would have known anything about it if she didn't have to be rescued. I'm with you - I think this girl is amazing - at my age (48) I wouldn't even THINK of doing something like this and I'm a pretty independent person! I'm not sure I would put the Natalee Holloway story in the same light - she went there with friends on a senior celebration - and those animals had no regard for human life - one of them presumably twice now. I understand your point of the damsel in distress thing - but Natalee didn't really do anything dangerous - she was with a group of friends. My husband and I sent out daughter - at the end of her junior year in high school on a trip with her language class over to Europe - we didn't think of that as putting her at risk just like I'm sure Natalee's parents didn't. Abby's parents sound very assured of their daughter's capabilities and allowed her to try something most parents would never allow. That type of non-traditional behavior scares the ...heck... out of most people and fear spreads faster than courage. I have to give them kudos - I couldn't do it but I think its an amazing thing that Abby accomplished - I'm sure it's not the last time we'll hear about this adventurous young woman!
June 17, 2010 6:42 PM
Couldn't agree more - if she had completed her attempt - she would have had a small article on page 4 or something...nothing like the media frenzy that is occurring now. Didn't her brother attempt this as well? The last article I read did mention several other teens who were successful in their attempts - did everyone but me hear about those young men and women? I doubt it...there was nothing to sensationalize by the media. Good news is boring news I guess. With the NBA finals on and the World Cup - I doubt anyone would have known anything about it if she didn't have to be rescued. I'm with you - I think this girl is amazing - at my age (48) I wouldn't even THINK of doing something like this and I'm a pretty independent person! I'm not sure I would put the Natalee Holloway story in the same light - she went there with friends on a senior celebration - and those animals had no regard for human life - one of them presumably twice now. I understand your point of the damsel in distress thing - but Natalee didn't really do anything dangerous - she was with a group of friends. My husband and I sent out daughter - at the end of her junior year in high school on a trip with her language class over to Europe - we didn't think of that as putting her at risk just like I'm sure Natalee's parents didn't. Abby's parents sound very assured of their daughter's capabilities and allowed her to try something most parents would never allow. That type of non-traditional behavior scares the ...heck... out of most people and fear spreads faster than courage. I have to give them kudos - I couldn't do it but I think its an amazing thing that Abby accomplished - I'm sure it's not the last time we'll hear about this adventurous young woman!
June 17, 2010 6:42 PM
Response to Lauren - Week 5
Hey Lauren!I've worked in Education for nearly 20 years - I have seen a few male elementary teachers but not many. I think traditionally women are seen as more nurturing and caregiving - and having a classroom full of children is like raising 'multiples' to a degree - so I guess guys have stayed away from what has traditionally been a woman's domain with the little ones and taken a more active role with older kids (middle/high school). Maybe part of it is because guys typically aren't exposed to being around a lot of younger children - girls typically babysit for afterschool jobs, etc. Guys become more of a playmate when they have something in common with the child - usually around adolesence (can we say parallel play...). BUT, in defense of the teachers I have worked with - they were all wonderful at what they did! I think a guy who makes the decision to teach elementary school aged kids really WANTS to be there and they have something to prove too. They have to work twice as hard as a female teacher to be seen as a good teacher just because they are in a nontraditional job. Also, with all the accusations that make the newspaper about male teachers/female students - I think it's going to be harder and harder to get guys into teaching. Society automatically assumes if a girl makes an accusation that it has to be true and the male teacher (guilty or not) has to suffer and is guilty until proven innocent. Whereas for the two or three media cases of women teachers/male students - it was presumed that the guy was at fault and the woman was innocent - which we know now was not the truth (especially with the case of the teacher who has had several children at this point by a former student). I don't know what the answer is - the male teachers I've come into contact with on the elementary level deserve to be there so it tells me that there are a great number of other men out there that would make great teachers - but if I were a guy at this point - I might think twice about entering the profession or recognize that I may really feel I'm being judged - under a microscope so to speak - not just for my abilities teaching students, but for my implied morality as well.
June 17, 2010 6:30 PM
June 17, 2010 6:30 PM
Week 5
Hi Everyone! Wow, what a week! Besides, work and two graduations this week (one Tuesday night and one Friday night), I just found out a friend of mine (39 years old) has been diagnosed with breast cancer. I was with her frmot he minute I got home from work last night trying to help her adjust to her life altering diagnosis and trying to help her overcome the enornous grief that occurs when you look at your children and question "what if". As a survivor myself - diagnosed at 38 (10 years now!) it got me to thinking about how we (men and women) deal with "stuff". While I was there for HOURS, my husband came with me to their home - met with her husband (who was cutting the grass) and within 15 minutes had headed back home. When I got back very late last night - I asked him if he had a chance to talk to Rick about what was going on and if he shared any insights from when we went through this. His reply - even after this course - still astounded me. He said, "Yeah, I told him that it's going to be a year of hell but I'm sure everthing will work out fine." ... and what was Rick's (the husband) response? Something along the lines of ...yea, for sure. (my husband couldn't remember his exact response) I asked if he offered any advice, he said no ... he thought if Rick needed to know anything he'll ask.
Now, I know from when I was diagnosed and the following surgeries and chemotherapy and side effects, as well as the emotional aspect of having small children that need their continued attention, my husband has many important tidbits of advice he could offer Rick, our situations are extremely similar. Why does society, even in extreme circumstances restrict the conversations men can have? Why isn't OK for my husband to tell Rick that it's normal to be terrified? Why can't he let him know that as a loving and supportive husband can go to the chemo appointments and hold Barb's hand while she gets her hour plus long treatment? Why with all the helpful information my husband knows about this very difficult subject isn't it OK for him to offer unsolicited advice. It's not like Rick is going to come over and ask - so it's the rock and the hard place scenario - Rick won't ask and my husband won't offer. It's really sad.
In the meantime, I sat with Barb as she sobbed worrying about so many things - so many things that weren't about her - that she won't see her children graduate from high school let alone college or get married and have babies. She's embarrassed that she's going to be bald (I was too initially), she's afraid of her body being disfigured by a mastectomy and why would her husband ever want any intimacy after the surgery. We talked about so many things. I held her hand and we both cried. I offered to cook and deliver her meals, to take her to doctors appointments, and promised her I would support her through this. It was a warm and compassionate exchange as I tried to and will continue to try to help her get through this period in her life.
But ... who will help her husband if our society doesn't allow them to reach out to other guys (with similar experiences) for help. He'll end up making the same mistakes my husband made that could make Barb's life so much easier - she's got enough on her plate right now than for me to tell her how to tell him how to help her (get that?) - why do I feel it's my job now to go over and have a talk with Rick? I guess my frustration is...why do I have to do this - I can't relate to a guy's perspective, I don't know what he's worry about - it's not like he's going to "share" his feelings with me! We all know how this conversation will go... "How you doin with all this Rick?" "OK I guess" "well, she's going to need a lot of support,- let me know if you she or the kids need anything and you know I'm there". "Yeah, I know, thanks" ......
Maybe I'm just angry at the fates for giving this dreaded disease to my young friend. Maybe I'm just sick and tired of being female and having to feel the weight of the world on my shoulders and feel like I have to "fix" everything to make it harmoneous. Why can't society let the guys help out? let go of that male pride or emotional isolation or whatever you want to call it - enough is enough already - AAAHHH!
Now, I know from when I was diagnosed and the following surgeries and chemotherapy and side effects, as well as the emotional aspect of having small children that need their continued attention, my husband has many important tidbits of advice he could offer Rick, our situations are extremely similar. Why does society, even in extreme circumstances restrict the conversations men can have? Why isn't OK for my husband to tell Rick that it's normal to be terrified? Why can't he let him know that as a loving and supportive husband can go to the chemo appointments and hold Barb's hand while she gets her hour plus long treatment? Why with all the helpful information my husband knows about this very difficult subject isn't it OK for him to offer unsolicited advice. It's not like Rick is going to come over and ask - so it's the rock and the hard place scenario - Rick won't ask and my husband won't offer. It's really sad.
In the meantime, I sat with Barb as she sobbed worrying about so many things - so many things that weren't about her - that she won't see her children graduate from high school let alone college or get married and have babies. She's embarrassed that she's going to be bald (I was too initially), she's afraid of her body being disfigured by a mastectomy and why would her husband ever want any intimacy after the surgery. We talked about so many things. I held her hand and we both cried. I offered to cook and deliver her meals, to take her to doctors appointments, and promised her I would support her through this. It was a warm and compassionate exchange as I tried to and will continue to try to help her get through this period in her life.
But ... who will help her husband if our society doesn't allow them to reach out to other guys (with similar experiences) for help. He'll end up making the same mistakes my husband made that could make Barb's life so much easier - she's got enough on her plate right now than for me to tell her how to tell him how to help her (get that?) - why do I feel it's my job now to go over and have a talk with Rick? I guess my frustration is...why do I have to do this - I can't relate to a guy's perspective, I don't know what he's worry about - it's not like he's going to "share" his feelings with me! We all know how this conversation will go... "How you doin with all this Rick?" "OK I guess" "well, she's going to need a lot of support,- let me know if you she or the kids need anything and you know I'm there". "Yeah, I know, thanks" ......
Maybe I'm just angry at the fates for giving this dreaded disease to my young friend. Maybe I'm just sick and tired of being female and having to feel the weight of the world on my shoulders and feel like I have to "fix" everything to make it harmoneous. Why can't society let the guys help out? let go of that male pride or emotional isolation or whatever you want to call it - enough is enough already - AAAHHH!
Friday, June 11, 2010
week 4 response to Michelle
Dawn M said...
Hi Michelle!I think part of the problem regarding the male dancer is that as a culture we typically don't associate dancing as a male oriented activity. We are taught to think that little girls go to dance class while little boys play baseball. Having danced for over 10 years, I never once had a male in my classes. However, I have seen many professional ballets and would pit a male ballet dancer's strength and stamina up against any professional athlete. There's also the show about the dance groups - I don't recall the name of the show - but I have never hear anyone question if any of the break dancing, hip hop, acrobatic talented dancers on that show are gay. I doubt that anyone has questioned whether any of the male professionals on Dancing with the Stars are gay. I agree, there are still many double standards with regards to what is considered a girl activity and a boy activity - and while the girls may cross over into the boy realm (sports teams, camping, hiking, riding motorcycles) rarely do we accept boys crossing over into girls territory without questioning their masculinity. Culturally we see dancers (especially ballet dancers) as if they are supposed to be feminine and lilting, but I bet Mikhail Baryshnikov could kick anyone's butt! And I doubt, when he conceived his daughter with actress Jessica Lange that anyone questioned his sexuality!
June 11, 2010 2:21 PM
Hi Michelle!I think part of the problem regarding the male dancer is that as a culture we typically don't associate dancing as a male oriented activity. We are taught to think that little girls go to dance class while little boys play baseball. Having danced for over 10 years, I never once had a male in my classes. However, I have seen many professional ballets and would pit a male ballet dancer's strength and stamina up against any professional athlete. There's also the show about the dance groups - I don't recall the name of the show - but I have never hear anyone question if any of the break dancing, hip hop, acrobatic talented dancers on that show are gay. I doubt that anyone has questioned whether any of the male professionals on Dancing with the Stars are gay. I agree, there are still many double standards with regards to what is considered a girl activity and a boy activity - and while the girls may cross over into the boy realm (sports teams, camping, hiking, riding motorcycles) rarely do we accept boys crossing over into girls territory without questioning their masculinity. Culturally we see dancers (especially ballet dancers) as if they are supposed to be feminine and lilting, but I bet Mikhail Baryshnikov could kick anyone's butt! And I doubt, when he conceived his daughter with actress Jessica Lange that anyone questioned his sexuality!
June 11, 2010 2:21 PM
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Week 4 Eureka moment
I was sitting last night reading my homework and reviewing posts that were on the Discussion Board while my daughter was watching some reality tv show. It's no wonder our society is so screwed up! This show (I think it was called Bridal Bootcamp), was ridiculous! There were maybe 10 or 12 women that signed up to go away to a bootcamp style weight loss camp. They are all about-to-be brides that wanted to lose weight to be able to get down to a smaller dress size specifically for their wedding dress! Not that they wanted to get healthy, not that they wanted to lose weight, but so they could fit into a dress. The winner of the show apparently gets her "dream wedding" as the prize. While the pretense of getting fit is a wonderful idea, it was clearly apparent that these women -by virtue of their candid conversations, were only doing this to fit into a wedding gown! It really bothered me. Has society really ingrained in our psyche that we have to look like Cinderella (a CARTOON character!) in order to be beautiful on our wedding day? Why isn't there a show for men to go away to bootcamp to look better in their tuxedos? This show portrayed these women as self indulgent but willing to sacrifice, catty but supportive, competitive but submissive, angry and bullheaded but also soft and tearful. My goodness - it makes women look like schitzophrenics - all for the chance to win a dream wedding! Obviously, you probably guessed my wedding was relatively simple - outdoors in the fall, comfy casual dress, we had a wonderful time - no formality, no fuss. My daughter, thankfully, agrees with me that the show is ridiculous and these women give women a bad name. We started talking about all the reality shows out there and she doesn't know of any that essentially show men that aren't parallel playing in their version of reality - fishing shows, hunting shows, sports, etc. covered in fishing gear, camoflage or whatever. Why a woman's idea of reality is all about getting down to a size 6 for their wedding day is beyond my personal comprehension but it clearly shows how culture has forced women to believe in and want the fairy tale that Disney has spun for us. As I sat there with my daughter (who is 20) laughing at how ridiculous these women were and talking about her own idea of a fabulous wedding (a summer barbeque in a park), I was grateful I didn't buy into the fairy tale images growing up (I ws the one out hunting and fishing with my dad and brother and uncles/cousins) and that I conveyed that gender-less culture to my children! Now that my kids are grown, I'm working on a much younger generation - my great niece - her 1st birthday is in a few weeks - she's getting a bubble mower from us! It's a great outdoor, fun, loud, messy, obnoxious toy that only comes in primary colors!!! I know she's going to love it! :-)
response to Prof. M - week 4
Dawn M said...
I completely agree - a family is a component of individuals who love and support each other. They do not judge each other, except in terms of quantity and quality of love. There are so many children in the foster system that want to be a part of a loving family, any loving family. As long as the adoptive parent(s) can provide a child a loving, stable, emotional supportive home rich in intangibles what does it matter with whom they share their adult relationship. I have several m/m couples as friends. One in particular was married and had 2 wonderful sons. After separating from his wife because of his revealing his homosexuality he met and fell in love with a wonderful man. They have been together nearly 30 years and together raised (thanks to joint custody) my friends two sons. They are now proud, VERY proud, grandparents. I think Rosie nailed it on the head when she asked if Mike Huckabee's viewpoing was pious. I believe Mr. Huckabee's beliefs prevent him from accepting anything outside his view of 'normal' with a mother and a father raising children. If this was our culture's realistic view we wouldn't have deadbeat dads - which are typically heterosexual men. Huckabee needs to open his eyes and recognize that the word parent as described by Miriam-Webster is "a person who brings up and cares for another". No where does it say it has to be a man and a woman - it says person. It makes no difference as to the person's skin color, religion, or romantic partner, in the eyes of a child when they look up at a person that loves them. I believe anyone who can love, support, care for, nurture and raise a child to become a good, caring, productive member of society deserves to have a child.
June 10, 2010 7:31 PM
I completely agree - a family is a component of individuals who love and support each other. They do not judge each other, except in terms of quantity and quality of love. There are so many children in the foster system that want to be a part of a loving family, any loving family. As long as the adoptive parent(s) can provide a child a loving, stable, emotional supportive home rich in intangibles what does it matter with whom they share their adult relationship. I have several m/m couples as friends. One in particular was married and had 2 wonderful sons. After separating from his wife because of his revealing his homosexuality he met and fell in love with a wonderful man. They have been together nearly 30 years and together raised (thanks to joint custody) my friends two sons. They are now proud, VERY proud, grandparents. I think Rosie nailed it on the head when she asked if Mike Huckabee's viewpoing was pious. I believe Mr. Huckabee's beliefs prevent him from accepting anything outside his view of 'normal' with a mother and a father raising children. If this was our culture's realistic view we wouldn't have deadbeat dads - which are typically heterosexual men. Huckabee needs to open his eyes and recognize that the word parent as described by Miriam-Webster is "a person who brings up and cares for another". No where does it say it has to be a man and a woman - it says person. It makes no difference as to the person's skin color, religion, or romantic partner, in the eyes of a child when they look up at a person that loves them. I believe anyone who can love, support, care for, nurture and raise a child to become a good, caring, productive member of society deserves to have a child.
June 10, 2010 7:31 PM
Friday, June 4, 2010
response to Prof M Week 3
I'm glad Glee (I've never seen the show) is addressing the topic. I remember many years ago All My Children had an entire season devoted to Erica Kane's daughter coming out as a lesbian and getting married. I think there's another soap now addressing a gender queer issue, the problem is mostly women watch soaps and I think a lot more of the prejudice come from men...at least it's a start. I have been involved in various aspects of coaching color guard at a local high school for about 6 years. Throughout that time I've come across a couple high school young men and women who had come out. High school was miserable for them, although particularly difficult for the young men. Our culture leans towards gender queer 'phobic' but lesbians seem to be more accepted than gay men. Going back to an earlier post discussion, there were classmates uncomfortable with seeing a same sex male couple holding hands and displaying affection. Would you have had the same reaction if you saw two women instead? I've been exposed to same sex couples for a number of years through friends and acquaintenances. I've seen same sex married couples (male and female) have the same disagreements as heterosexual couples. I remember a conversation I had with a friend of mine who said his husband was driving him nuts always leaving dirty dishes around the house, didn't pick up after himself, etc. His comment to me "These men!" I felt like I was having a conversation with one of my girlfriends. He too had a hard time in high school but became more comfortable in his own skin through college. With a group of true friends who don't judge to help them get through high school I think more often than not GLB find happiness in college and after.
June 4, 2010 6:02 AM
June 4, 2010 6:02 AM
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Response to Nick T Week 3
Dawn M said...
Hi Nick!I can't say I'm shocked that these "GQ" rooms still exist, especially among the 'rich and famous' jetset. But, really even Yale's secret Skull and Bones Society "taps" 15 men AND WOMEN from Yale's junior class each year (the last one was April 15th). This 'power elite' can use any of the member facilities for life and are expected to donate 1/3 of their estate back to the society upon their death. While $25K a year for a country club membership in North Jersey isn't quite the same caliber - perhaps the skulls have more 'class'. This group of guys probably generationally promote the exclusion of women. Like Wood states on p. 18..."...where deeply ingrained values and beliefs reside, we may hold some very traditional values and beliefs." If their membership or governing board of the club allows this discriminatory practice to continue simply out of club tradition, it's absurd. They perpetuate the 'secrecy' of the room by only allowing male servers, and by tipping them so well, basically buy their silence. Not for anything, why do the women members allow this to continue? Do they just go about their own lives and brush this off as a 'stupid guy thing'? Why haven't the women servers organized themselves, looked into an affirmative action case? There are a number of cases out there (especially in California) where women who were denied tips because of discrimination were awarded financial restitution because of bad practices. I'm not so angry or shocked so much at the men that belong and allow this practice to continue but the women who look the other way and don't do anything to stop it!
June 3, 2010 9:57 AM
Hi Nick!I can't say I'm shocked that these "GQ" rooms still exist, especially among the 'rich and famous' jetset. But, really even Yale's secret Skull and Bones Society "taps" 15 men AND WOMEN from Yale's junior class each year (the last one was April 15th). This 'power elite' can use any of the member facilities for life and are expected to donate 1/3 of their estate back to the society upon their death. While $25K a year for a country club membership in North Jersey isn't quite the same caliber - perhaps the skulls have more 'class'. This group of guys probably generationally promote the exclusion of women. Like Wood states on p. 18..."...where deeply ingrained values and beliefs reside, we may hold some very traditional values and beliefs." If their membership or governing board of the club allows this discriminatory practice to continue simply out of club tradition, it's absurd. They perpetuate the 'secrecy' of the room by only allowing male servers, and by tipping them so well, basically buy their silence. Not for anything, why do the women members allow this to continue? Do they just go about their own lives and brush this off as a 'stupid guy thing'? Why haven't the women servers organized themselves, looked into an affirmative action case? There are a number of cases out there (especially in California) where women who were denied tips because of discrimination were awarded financial restitution because of bad practices. I'm not so angry or shocked so much at the men that belong and allow this practice to continue but the women who look the other way and don't do anything to stop it!
June 3, 2010 9:57 AM
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
cut/paste of posts and comments for clarification
Dawn M said...
My Eureka moment actually occurred in the Fall semester. I took the Psychology of Gender class with Prof. Adlai-Gail - I would highly recommend it - what an eye opener. You really begin to look at how gender is pushed on us and we don't even know it. The media is a huge perpetrator of gender stereotypes! Perfect example was last night I had the tv on and saw a commercial that was actually pretty funny for Snickers candy bars. You've seen it ...right ... the football game and Betty White gets tackled. Funny commercial and Betty White is a hoot, BUT why did the guy who was playing less than adequately HAVE to be an OLD WOMAN? Why didn't they put an old MAN there? Why is it that the producers of that commerical thought it would be funnier to insinuate that he was playing like an old woman as opposed to an old man? Next time you are aimlessly watching tv, just pay attention to the underlying messages of commercials - gender stereotypes are blatant!
May 20, 2010 9:50 AM
Dawn M said...
Hi Tamica! Actually it was a friend who is in HR that recommended a seminar she took about communication as an HR Professional. One of the topics they breezed over but that caught her attention was on making sure you speak to your audience and being mindful that not everyone thinks the same and they gave examples of cultural differents, men v. women, slang. She caught on to the men/women example because for her the example was dead on. I can't recall the specific example but it came from the Men are from Mars book apparently. I took the Psychology of Gender Fall semester and LOVED it! I would recommend it and Prof. Adlai-Gail to anyone! We had one guy in the class of about 20 and he gave great perspective from a man's POV on situations. Between that and the seminar examples I thought the Gender and Communications would be a wonderful addition to my understanding of explanations and my public speaking arsenal. :-) Thanks for replying! I'm really looking forward to this course - I can only imagine if it were in class - it would be amazing!
May 20, 2010 9:57 AM
Dawn M said...
Ashley,What a great thought to give them a choice – my question would be then – why couldn’t you give them other things to color – prince and princesses only perpetuate the stereotypes – we don’t have royalty in our culture so it’s not like they are exposed to anything except in fairy tales and they aren’t real. The Social Learning Theory (Wood p. 50) states that “individuals learn to be masculine and feminine primarily by imitating others and getting responses from others to their behaviors.” Behaviors of princes is great – they get to be handsome and chivalrous but the behaviors of princesses are to be weak (since they are always needing to be rescued by the prince), beautiful which only causes women to subject their bodies to scrutiny, and enamored by their rescuer(s). Not such redeeming qualities if you believe women are equally strong willed, independent and self sufficient. To avoid the whole gender issue, why not give them pictures of frogs or turtles or scenery? Or if you want to address male/female pictures – how about a picture of a family where they get to color the entire picture? I think when we recognize something that is gender based, in order to correct it we have to remove as much gender stereotype as we can from the situation – not just make accommodations for it. Thanks for bringing it up – who knew something so innocent could cause such a ruckus! Dawn
May 21, 2010 12:56 PM
Dawn M said...
Week 2 Eureka Moment!It's early in the week and I've had my Eureka moment for the week right off the bat! I was finally sitting down after a long day and wanted to watch mindless entertaining tv so I put on Dancing with the Stars finale. So while I was enjoying the athleticism I saw the Erin/Max freestyle. Obviously the dance was about a couple fighting but talk about nonverbal communication! WOW! Did anyone else but me see Erin's face during the dance? Max was taking the upper hand in the fight - he even flung her onto the mat that was made to look like a bed! Literally, it looked like he was supposed to have flung her across the bed and she got up and clung onto him! Max was pushing Erin off, turning his back, taking control and standing tall for most of the dance - Erin was chasing after him, looking desparate while attempting to I guess make amends, clinging onto him...I doubt anyone who hasn't had a gender class would have noticed - but WOW what an eye opener! Then what happens, I got through the rest of the show and the opening of the Bachelorette was on...I was booting up my laptop to Eureka about DWTS and saw one of the male contestants, who described himself as an Outdoorsman and said he needed a woman, he actually told his dog that he was going to bring Ali home to TAKE CARE OF THEM!!!!! So, now we've addressed verbal communication (Chapter 5!). Seriously, I have no idea what Ali does for a living but I doubt her resume would have included taking care of a self professed mountain man!!!!!!!! I'm not sure how this show works but I hope that guy gets voted off or ushered out or something that sends him packing for his mountain and his dog...if that's what he thinks about a beautiful young professional woman! It's amazing that in the course of an hour, without even trying, I've seen two huge examples, one verbal and one nonverbal, that screams of gender communication issues! I'm afraid to watch tv anymore... Anyone else having their relaxing tv watching infiltrated by examples of gendered behavior?
May 24, 2010 6:33 PM
Dawn M said...
Hey Dana!I wouldn't be so hard on him. Think back to the old Western movies, where the hero cowboy used terminology like lady or miss as a sign of respect to a woman. He might be thinking it's nicer to say ...pretty lady or ...sexy miss than a boring old "morning" or "hiii". He probably thinks of those as terms of endearment. I've called my husband Hon or Honey for 99% of our married life (over 20 years). Its funny he knows if I call him by his first name, that I'm not happy ;-) In contrast, he has never called me any 'pet' names - it's always been my first name. Sometimes I'd love for him to call me a 'pet' name but it's not his personality. I can see why being called 'shorty' would bother you - I don't understand why it's acceptable for people to use nicknames like that - ones that isolate a physical feature and think it's cute to call attention to it. I doubt if you called him a name related to a physical attribute of his that he would find it a loving comment! For example: unibrow or green giant aren't so cute as nicknames are they? I've had a gender class before, and boy do these classes make you AWARE - especially if you are a woman! You begin to notice even the smalled little thing and after a while it can infuriate you! I can see how the woman's movement of the 60s aand 70s gained momentum so quickly with women. Once your eyes are opened to gender issues (even a little bit) they become WIDE OPEN! Gender classes are a dangerous, wonderful thing! I LOVE THEM! As for your boyfriend, I don't think the "hiii pretty lady" is so bad - as long as he treats you respectfully (and you reciprocate with equally respect), why not enjoy his attempt to make you smile first thing in the morning? There are plenty of women out there that would love to wake up to messages like his. BTW - I wouldn't be so self conscious about being 5'2" - the average woman in the US is 5'3" tall!
May 25, 2010 5:56 PM
reply to Prof. M.Well, let see, my husband and I are married over 20 years and we are both at or near 50 years old. While you would think that we would have many traditional gender roles in our marriage, we actually don't. Early in our marriage when our kids were little I had the primary caregiver role, especially early when I was a stay at home mom. We both made that decision, I had a great job in HR with a very large consumer product company that was located in Princeton at the time. I gave up my job to stay home until our daughter was ready for kindergarten (in our township that's 4 years old). It was the logical choice - he earned more money than I did, had the healthcare benefits too, and had the ability to work overtime which I didn't. Besides that, I always loved being a mom (still do) and completely enjoyed my time with my kids. He worked overtime to support the family and I took care of everything else. I went back to work in our local school district as a secretary and was able to enjoy being a working mom that was fortunate to be able to be there for school plays and Mothers Day tea's and room parent and field trips. Neither of us wanted our kids to have to do without having parents around to enjoy things with just so they could have things. Now both our kids are grown - our son (my son from a previous marriage) is 26 and in the Air Force and our daughter 20 is a Junior majoring in Biology at a University in Lancaster, PA. As our kids grew up, so did we... My husband loves to cook and he's much better at it than I am. He gets home from work before I do and usually has dinner going when I get home. After dinner, I clean up - its only fair that way. We both keep the laundry going and feed or clean up after the dog. I was raised to do my part inside or outside the house and he was raised in a very large family where everyone had to pitch in, so it works. After a while we transcended 90% of the gender roles, now we just take care of business. I say 90% because I still have the tendency to clean up faster than he does...he would do it eventually but not fast enough for me. :-) Maybe my generation was fortunate to be raised and appreciate having traditionally gender roled parents but also the benefit of both working. We learned to appreciate both and try to balance it in our lives. I hope we raised our kids to balance the roles (family/work) without too much of the gender role game playing involved. Only time and fingers crossed will tell...but I think we were successful!
May 26, 2010 5:53 AM
Dawn M said...
Here's another one! I just went to retrieve my work mail. What do I find? A seminar brochure entitled...get this..."Communication Skills for Women" and the works for Women were italicized for emphasis! It professes to "help you communicate more confidently and persuasively. It reflects the attitude, style and professionalism of today's most powerful women. You'll learn how to get better results with all the people in your life." And what are "we" supposed to learn from this? How to influence people to how stay cool even when you've reached your boiling point how to come across more powerfully in meetings and presentations and how to handle difficult people and situations. What do they think WE are ????? I really would like to call the company and ask if they have a Communication Skills FOR MEN seminar - my guess would be NO, because obviously they want US to emulate the skills men are perceived to have built into their genes! WOW this burned me up !!!!! had to vent!
May 26, 2010 8:28 AM
My Eureka moment actually occurred in the Fall semester. I took the Psychology of Gender class with Prof. Adlai-Gail - I would highly recommend it - what an eye opener. You really begin to look at how gender is pushed on us and we don't even know it. The media is a huge perpetrator of gender stereotypes! Perfect example was last night I had the tv on and saw a commercial that was actually pretty funny for Snickers candy bars. You've seen it ...right ... the football game and Betty White gets tackled. Funny commercial and Betty White is a hoot, BUT why did the guy who was playing less than adequately HAVE to be an OLD WOMAN? Why didn't they put an old MAN there? Why is it that the producers of that commerical thought it would be funnier to insinuate that he was playing like an old woman as opposed to an old man? Next time you are aimlessly watching tv, just pay attention to the underlying messages of commercials - gender stereotypes are blatant!
May 20, 2010 9:50 AM
Dawn M said...
Hi Tamica! Actually it was a friend who is in HR that recommended a seminar she took about communication as an HR Professional. One of the topics they breezed over but that caught her attention was on making sure you speak to your audience and being mindful that not everyone thinks the same and they gave examples of cultural differents, men v. women, slang. She caught on to the men/women example because for her the example was dead on. I can't recall the specific example but it came from the Men are from Mars book apparently. I took the Psychology of Gender Fall semester and LOVED it! I would recommend it and Prof. Adlai-Gail to anyone! We had one guy in the class of about 20 and he gave great perspective from a man's POV on situations. Between that and the seminar examples I thought the Gender and Communications would be a wonderful addition to my understanding of explanations and my public speaking arsenal. :-) Thanks for replying! I'm really looking forward to this course - I can only imagine if it were in class - it would be amazing!
May 20, 2010 9:57 AM
Dawn M said...
Ashley,What a great thought to give them a choice – my question would be then – why couldn’t you give them other things to color – prince and princesses only perpetuate the stereotypes – we don’t have royalty in our culture so it’s not like they are exposed to anything except in fairy tales and they aren’t real. The Social Learning Theory (Wood p. 50) states that “individuals learn to be masculine and feminine primarily by imitating others and getting responses from others to their behaviors.” Behaviors of princes is great – they get to be handsome and chivalrous but the behaviors of princesses are to be weak (since they are always needing to be rescued by the prince), beautiful which only causes women to subject their bodies to scrutiny, and enamored by their rescuer(s). Not such redeeming qualities if you believe women are equally strong willed, independent and self sufficient. To avoid the whole gender issue, why not give them pictures of frogs or turtles or scenery? Or if you want to address male/female pictures – how about a picture of a family where they get to color the entire picture? I think when we recognize something that is gender based, in order to correct it we have to remove as much gender stereotype as we can from the situation – not just make accommodations for it. Thanks for bringing it up – who knew something so innocent could cause such a ruckus! Dawn
May 21, 2010 12:56 PM
Dawn M said...
Week 2 Eureka Moment!It's early in the week and I've had my Eureka moment for the week right off the bat! I was finally sitting down after a long day and wanted to watch mindless entertaining tv so I put on Dancing with the Stars finale. So while I was enjoying the athleticism I saw the Erin/Max freestyle. Obviously the dance was about a couple fighting but talk about nonverbal communication! WOW! Did anyone else but me see Erin's face during the dance? Max was taking the upper hand in the fight - he even flung her onto the mat that was made to look like a bed! Literally, it looked like he was supposed to have flung her across the bed and she got up and clung onto him! Max was pushing Erin off, turning his back, taking control and standing tall for most of the dance - Erin was chasing after him, looking desparate while attempting to I guess make amends, clinging onto him...I doubt anyone who hasn't had a gender class would have noticed - but WOW what an eye opener! Then what happens, I got through the rest of the show and the opening of the Bachelorette was on...I was booting up my laptop to Eureka about DWTS and saw one of the male contestants, who described himself as an Outdoorsman and said he needed a woman, he actually told his dog that he was going to bring Ali home to TAKE CARE OF THEM!!!!! So, now we've addressed verbal communication (Chapter 5!). Seriously, I have no idea what Ali does for a living but I doubt her resume would have included taking care of a self professed mountain man!!!!!!!! I'm not sure how this show works but I hope that guy gets voted off or ushered out or something that sends him packing for his mountain and his dog...if that's what he thinks about a beautiful young professional woman! It's amazing that in the course of an hour, without even trying, I've seen two huge examples, one verbal and one nonverbal, that screams of gender communication issues! I'm afraid to watch tv anymore... Anyone else having their relaxing tv watching infiltrated by examples of gendered behavior?
May 24, 2010 6:33 PM
Dawn M said...
Hey Dana!I wouldn't be so hard on him. Think back to the old Western movies, where the hero cowboy used terminology like lady or miss as a sign of respect to a woman. He might be thinking it's nicer to say ...pretty lady or ...sexy miss than a boring old "morning" or "hiii". He probably thinks of those as terms of endearment. I've called my husband Hon or Honey for 99% of our married life (over 20 years). Its funny he knows if I call him by his first name, that I'm not happy ;-) In contrast, he has never called me any 'pet' names - it's always been my first name. Sometimes I'd love for him to call me a 'pet' name but it's not his personality. I can see why being called 'shorty' would bother you - I don't understand why it's acceptable for people to use nicknames like that - ones that isolate a physical feature and think it's cute to call attention to it. I doubt if you called him a name related to a physical attribute of his that he would find it a loving comment! For example: unibrow or green giant aren't so cute as nicknames are they? I've had a gender class before, and boy do these classes make you AWARE - especially if you are a woman! You begin to notice even the smalled little thing and after a while it can infuriate you! I can see how the woman's movement of the 60s aand 70s gained momentum so quickly with women. Once your eyes are opened to gender issues (even a little bit) they become WIDE OPEN! Gender classes are a dangerous, wonderful thing! I LOVE THEM! As for your boyfriend, I don't think the "hiii pretty lady" is so bad - as long as he treats you respectfully (and you reciprocate with equally respect), why not enjoy his attempt to make you smile first thing in the morning? There are plenty of women out there that would love to wake up to messages like his. BTW - I wouldn't be so self conscious about being 5'2" - the average woman in the US is 5'3" tall!
May 25, 2010 5:56 PM
reply to Prof. M.Well, let see, my husband and I are married over 20 years and we are both at or near 50 years old. While you would think that we would have many traditional gender roles in our marriage, we actually don't. Early in our marriage when our kids were little I had the primary caregiver role, especially early when I was a stay at home mom. We both made that decision, I had a great job in HR with a very large consumer product company that was located in Princeton at the time. I gave up my job to stay home until our daughter was ready for kindergarten (in our township that's 4 years old). It was the logical choice - he earned more money than I did, had the healthcare benefits too, and had the ability to work overtime which I didn't. Besides that, I always loved being a mom (still do) and completely enjoyed my time with my kids. He worked overtime to support the family and I took care of everything else. I went back to work in our local school district as a secretary and was able to enjoy being a working mom that was fortunate to be able to be there for school plays and Mothers Day tea's and room parent and field trips. Neither of us wanted our kids to have to do without having parents around to enjoy things with just so they could have things. Now both our kids are grown - our son (my son from a previous marriage) is 26 and in the Air Force and our daughter 20 is a Junior majoring in Biology at a University in Lancaster, PA. As our kids grew up, so did we... My husband loves to cook and he's much better at it than I am. He gets home from work before I do and usually has dinner going when I get home. After dinner, I clean up - its only fair that way. We both keep the laundry going and feed or clean up after the dog. I was raised to do my part inside or outside the house and he was raised in a very large family where everyone had to pitch in, so it works. After a while we transcended 90% of the gender roles, now we just take care of business. I say 90% because I still have the tendency to clean up faster than he does...he would do it eventually but not fast enough for me. :-) Maybe my generation was fortunate to be raised and appreciate having traditionally gender roled parents but also the benefit of both working. We learned to appreciate both and try to balance it in our lives. I hope we raised our kids to balance the roles (family/work) without too much of the gender role game playing involved. Only time and fingers crossed will tell...but I think we were successful!
May 26, 2010 5:53 AM
Dawn M said...
Here's another one! I just went to retrieve my work mail. What do I find? A seminar brochure entitled...get this..."Communication Skills for Women" and the works for Women were italicized for emphasis! It professes to "help you communicate more confidently and persuasively. It reflects the attitude, style and professionalism of today's most powerful women. You'll learn how to get better results with all the people in your life." And what are "we" supposed to learn from this? How to influence people to how stay cool even when you've reached your boiling point how to come across more powerfully in meetings and presentations and how to handle difficult people and situations. What do they think WE are ????? I really would like to call the company and ask if they have a Communication Skills FOR MEN seminar - my guess would be NO, because obviously they want US to emulate the skills men are perceived to have built into their genes! WOW this burned me up !!!!! had to vent!
May 26, 2010 8:28 AM
Week 3 - Eureka Moment!
OK, Thanks to my friend Lauren for showing me how to post to my blog without posting a comment to myself!
My Eureka Moment this week - hmmm... there were two. First, on Sunday, my husband sat down to watch some mindless tv. He put on the NASCAR race on the Speed channel. There was a commercial for John Deere tractors...nothing unusual Speed TV is full of "male stuff" - although I enjoy NASCAR. Anyway - this commercial showed cowboy boots and jean scuffing through the dirt, a pair of heavy duty work gloves and a person shovelling. They showed the particular tractor they were promoting and went into their finer points of the product. The ending segment of the commercial - a woman (full clothed and in denim!) and dirty/sweaty received the tractor from the delivery and was shown using the tractor working on the farm! Wow what a surprise ! I actually commented out loud to my husband - look it's a woman! They actually have a commercial with a woman fully clothed receiving and using farm equipment! He just looked at me like I had 9 heads... he grew up on a farm and his sisters were as well adapted at using equipment as the brothers.
My second Eureka moment happened at work Tuesday. I typically receive a newletter regarding employment law in NJ. While reviewing the two that I received while on vacation, I was astounded at one article. NJ amended its Law Against Discrimination last summer to include 'gender identity or expression' among the list of protected characteristics. What does this mean? Well, basically, it means that employers can no longer discriminate (fire, lower pay, less or no promotions, etc.) against employees for chaning gender physiologically or for dressing, behaving or otherwise identifying with a gender other than their "assigned sex at birth". Well, you might be thinking...what's that mean? For organizations - if there is a dress code and grooming policy setting different standards for males/females, organizations can't disallow (on the basis of the person's gender) any dress behavior or appearance that is generally acceptable. Transgender, gender queer, the law now protects their rights to be themselves in the work place. Unfortunately, while the law may support them, do you think that the general public would be able to handle a male>female transgendered person in full 'female' attire assisting them in any corporation (I think female>male is generally more accepted). For me, though, reading this article, I felt a sense of promise that as a culture we are taking baby steps moving forward from the societal norms that have been held in place by those in power for so long!
My Eureka Moment this week - hmmm... there were two. First, on Sunday, my husband sat down to watch some mindless tv. He put on the NASCAR race on the Speed channel. There was a commercial for John Deere tractors...nothing unusual Speed TV is full of "male stuff" - although I enjoy NASCAR. Anyway - this commercial showed cowboy boots and jean scuffing through the dirt, a pair of heavy duty work gloves and a person shovelling. They showed the particular tractor they were promoting and went into their finer points of the product. The ending segment of the commercial - a woman (full clothed and in denim!) and dirty/sweaty received the tractor from the delivery and was shown using the tractor working on the farm! Wow what a surprise ! I actually commented out loud to my husband - look it's a woman! They actually have a commercial with a woman fully clothed receiving and using farm equipment! He just looked at me like I had 9 heads... he grew up on a farm and his sisters were as well adapted at using equipment as the brothers.
My second Eureka moment happened at work Tuesday. I typically receive a newletter regarding employment law in NJ. While reviewing the two that I received while on vacation, I was astounded at one article. NJ amended its Law Against Discrimination last summer to include 'gender identity or expression' among the list of protected characteristics. What does this mean? Well, basically, it means that employers can no longer discriminate (fire, lower pay, less or no promotions, etc.) against employees for chaning gender physiologically or for dressing, behaving or otherwise identifying with a gender other than their "assigned sex at birth". Well, you might be thinking...what's that mean? For organizations - if there is a dress code and grooming policy setting different standards for males/females, organizations can't disallow (on the basis of the person's gender) any dress behavior or appearance that is generally acceptable. Transgender, gender queer, the law now protects their rights to be themselves in the work place. Unfortunately, while the law may support them, do you think that the general public would be able to handle a male>female transgendered person in full 'female' attire assisting them in any corporation (I think female>male is generally more accepted). For me, though, reading this article, I felt a sense of promise that as a culture we are taking baby steps moving forward from the societal norms that have been held in place by those in power for so long!
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